Fighting for Your Marriage in the Midst of a Fight

The only way to fight for your marriage is to fight against yourself.

There. the secret is out.  Probably not what you expected to hear. Certainly not what you wanted to hear.  But in my experience at least, its the stark, honest truth. Sounds like a dichotomy doesn't it?  Fight for yourself by fighting against yourself. No more so, though, than Jesus saying that those who want to save their lives must lose them. I first learned this lesson several years ago after a fight with my husband. Apparently, I'm a slow learner as I've had to keep learning it many times over the past fifteen years, and I suspect will continue to learn in the future.  But, for now, I'll share my experience.

We'd been fighting.  Now in my home that doesn't mean a screaming match or anything that would give our neighbors reason to call the police.  (I know there are relationships where fighting is literal and presents an immediate danger. I can't say whether or not this blog post applies in those situations; I only share how God has directed me.) In my home, "fighting" means we've had a disagreement and now we're both pouting.  We don't discuss it like reasonable adults.  We don't discuss it at all.  The moment the discussion becomes heated is the moment we both shut down, and, often, one of us walks out (I won't say which one) until tempers have cooled and we're able to pretend nothing happened.

This particular day, I can't even remember what exactly we'd been fighting about.  Funny how that works, right?  You have this big blow up that seems like the most important thing in the world at that particular moment and a few months or a few years later, neither of you remember what was so upsetting in the first place. I remember how God told me to handle it, though, on this particular day. I'll never forget how shocked or resentful I felt in that moment.

I was praying...if that's what you'd call presenting my case to God, telling Him how unfairly I'd been treated, and expecting Him to verify that I'd been right. (Because I was, you know.  Of course I was!) I was the DA and my husband was on trial. I was probably even trying to convince God that His Word was wrong and that I had every right to get out of the marriage (...anyone else tend to exaggerate in their minds like that?). Somewhere in the middle of calling up every single past hurt and wrong that I could remember, as I made my case, I broke down and finally asked God what I should do.

"Go clean Justin's shower."

Say what!?! I've heard of a clean fight, God, but don't you think that's taking it a bit far!  After all, I'm the one who's right here.

"Go clean the shower."

Since I'm already exposing some of the dirt in my life, I might as well admit, that shower was gross.  It desperately needed cleaning.  It wasn't just dirt - it was mold and mildew and soap scum. Working as a mechanic and welder, much of the black residue that gets all over his clothes and skin had come to rest on the walls of that stand-up shower. It was ugly. It was cramped, difficult to clean, and I'd been avoiding it.  Each day I would use my nice, clean Jacuzzi tub and purposely avert my attention as I walked by my husband's shower. 

Though resistant at first, I decided to be obedient to what I felt God was directing me to do, probably convincing myself with Proverbs 25:22...you know, something about heaping burning coals on your enemy's head and God rewarding you. 

Anyways, I climbed in that shower and started scrubbing, but as I worked to clean the grime out of that shower, God started cleaning it out of my heart. I realized that I had been ignoring more than just the filth growing on the shower walls.  I had been averting my attention from the wayward thoughts that were darkening up my mind.  I had been hardening my heart just as surely as the soap scum had hardened on those shower walls.  The mold, both unsightly and unhealthy, spreading from the shower to the surrounding sheetrock was like a symbol of what was taking place inside of me spiritually and emotionally.  The anger and hurt inside of me was growing and, if left alone to do so, would do permanent damage to my marriage.

Like that shower, the dirt growing in our minds and hearts often gets ignored because its unsightly, difficult to clean up, and often uncomfortable.  We usually don't even notice when this begins to happen.  It's an impure thought here, an angry outburst there, a feeling of injustice that creeps in unnoticed and is allowed to live and grow without a regular cleansing. Perhaps that's why Romans 12:2 cautions, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will."  We need to have our minds renewed regularly in God's Word and through prayer, thanksgiving, and worship.

We need to die to ourselves, fight against our own feelings, because often, harboring those feelings only makes us feel justified in wrongdoing.  The world will have a hard time understanding this, but we are not to conform to the pattern of this world.  We are to be changed. We are to be transformed. We are to "live a life of love just as Christ loved us and gave himself for us as a sweet-smelling offering and sacrifice to God" (Ephesians 5:2).  Cleaning that shower didn't feel just; it required self-sacrifice.  Even all these years later, when I feel lonely, hurt, or angry at being treated unjustly, I choose to go and clean that shower.  Can I tell you it requires a sacrifice every time? So why do I choose to continue? Because I need the reminder.  I need to see that confronting the problem is what gets rid of the filth - not ignoring it.  I need to be reminded that regardless of the circumstances, or who is or isn't at fault,  God wants to clean me up.

Had God not intervened, I eventually could have "justified" myself right out of a good marriage to a good man!

I've come to realize that fighting against my spouse is like fighting against my marriage and, therefore, fighting against my family.  Ultimately, fighting against my spouse can even be like fighting against God (See Matthew 19:8). So even though showing grace sometimes feels like losing the fight of my life - like I'm losing my very self - I realize that I'm actually just letting go of my selfishness and becoming a little more like Christ in the process.

I'm not telling you that this is the way you have to fight for your marriage. Maybe you don't even have a filthy shower. But there's probably something you could do as an act of grace, something that would make your spouse's day better even in the midst of a fight. Admittedly, its not easy, and doing the right thing for the wrong reasons won't create the results you want. But if you've been trying the world's way, if its not working and things are only getting worse, perhaps you should consider 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 which says, "For though we live in the world we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world.  On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretention that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ."  Maybe, just maybe, its time to try a different kind of weapon: one of grace, love, and sacrifice.

Instead of presenting your case before God, expecting him to take your side and deliver the verdict you feel is just, ask Him what He would have you do.  Perhaps it will require sacrifice. Perhaps you will have to take your thoughts and make them line up with Christ through obedience.  Perhaps it won't be easy and will require time you don't feel you have.  But, from experience, I can assure you that it will be worth it!

Imagine if both husbands and wives would begin to fight this way, preferring one another above themselves!  And if only one is willing?  Despite that, I can assure you that we serve a God who still works miracles, who heals our hearts, who gives us His perspective when we seek it, and who has a great track record when it comes to cleaning up our messes.

I leave you with one last Scripture: Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun" (Psalm 37:5-6). 

Now, there's something not even the shine of a clean shower can compare with!